The 25 Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

Here I present, for those who have been asking, my diatribe on the 25 worst Christmas songs, originally posted each day leading up to Christmas in December of 2016. I was a different man at the time; more cynical and angry, and overconfident in my ability to blend humor and sarcasm with facts. 3 years later I have a more nuanced appreciation for anything that brings people joy in this world and try my best not to contribute to the trolls and the haters (though trollish hater I am at the core), especially at Christmas time. Therefore, I apologize for my past self's tone and language for some of these posts. Regardless, my opinions have not changed.

Song #25.
"Hey Santa!" (Jack Kugell; Carnie Wilson; Wendy Wilson) -4:34

Why It's Terrible: The first verse is a shmaltzy platitude that has absolutely nothing to do with the subject matter of the song.

"If everyday was Christmas
If we could make believe
If everyone would care a little more
There'd be harmony"

But that's a forgivable offense (and that verse was removed for the radio version so someone in corporate must have wizened up about it) and isn't the reason why it's on this list; it's simply because the Wilson sisters aren't singing "Santa". Instead, they (or their producer(s)) opted for them to sing "Sanna" because apparently the sisters don't know how to enunciate, or their sound guy didn't have any pop filters on hand so they had to improvise. And now that you are aware of this, you will never be able to un-hear this omission. I'm sorry and you're welcome.

The song is rather banal and cliche, but so are many Christmas songs that won't make it on this list. The only reason I hate it is because of the aforementioned "Sanna". If they re-recorded it and sang the stinkin' "T", or changed the title to "Hey Sanna" I would happily remove it from the list.

What to Listen to Instead: Kelly Clarkson, Underneath the Tree https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EM2Fnp_qnE8
(It's essentially the same song about the same subject, but Ms. Clarkson can actually enunciate, and the song is just so dang catchy).

In Case You're Offended: Watch the Wilson sisters' Daddy and Uncles "Shred" in this version of "I Get Around": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYc4DT18EJg

Song #24
"It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas" (Meredith Wilson, 1951) covered by Johnny Mathis in 1986

Why It's Terrible: The song is a time capsule and has very little resonance with the youth of today or subsequent generations. Christmas songs (like the holiday itself) should be timeless if they want to stay relevant. Only older generations and intentional nerds know the references as to which the lyrics refer to: Hopalong Boots, the Five-and Ten etc. Strike two, she insinuates that "the prettiest sight to see is the holly that will be on your own front door." What if I have some other type of Christmas-themed greenery other than holly on my front door? Is it utter garbage because it isn't holly? This gal is bigoted against conifers and vines! Disgusting. And I can no longer sing carols within my heart on account of my condition so strike 3.

Most egregious, the writer was allegedly inspired to write the lyrics while staying at a hotel in Nova Scotia. Perhaps that's why the hook is so vague as to not offend those who don't celebrate Christmas, or those who tend not to notice season changes, cultural movements, or a plethora of specific themed decorations being put on display all over the place. It's a wonder that the tune doesn't begin, "Soorry, but do you happen to think, as I do, that perhaps maybe our surroundings are conveying some type of early-winter holiday?" Canadian politeness ruins art #woke

But in reality, the reasons I hate this song are two-fold.
1. The Bing Crosby version from 1951 contains a part where a doll says "Hi, I'm Chucky" that used to freak me out when that particular tune played in one of the rooms at the house museum I used to work at because it sounded like that voice was coming from somewhere other than the boombox. Thankfully there is no video surveillance of that first incident.
2. The Johnny Mathis version has done the opposite of the sisters Wilson - he OVER-enunciates the "S" in Christmas, so it sounds like he's singing "Krisssmisss." Again, you won't be able to un-hear it.

How I Cope: Because I know I'm in the minority in this opinion, doomed to hear this song each and every year, anytime it comes on, especially when it's the Mathis version, I sing it like Sean Connery and change the over-enunciated "S"es into "SH" and end each verse with "Ms. Moneypenny."

What to Listen to Instead: "Christmas Time is Here" by Vince Guaraldi Trio": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvI_FNrczzQ
In true American fashion, proclaim that Christmas time is "HERE" and here to stay like the good-ole USA (at least through January 20, 2017), because nothing intimidates Commies, Nazis, and the ISIS like smooth jazz and 1960's era cartoon characters.

In Case You're Offended: I meant not to offend my 2 Canadian friends that might read this. Your country is in the best hemisphere on Earth. You gave us Wayne Gretzky (which led to Pro-Stars https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXiShTDcr1I) and poutine, and some other stuff. You are great and wonderful just like this baby moose playing in a sprinkler: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNy9jTeolUk (even though this particular moose happens to be Alaskan...)

Song #23
"Christmas Kisses" (Joseph Kruger and Henrietta Gilden, 1961)
Performed by Ray Anthony and The Bookends

Why It's Terrible: Normally I would say this song commits the same sin as the song in our previous discussion about relevancy, but thanks to hipsters and those inspired by their ilk, people know what a hi-fi set is (even though it is inferior audio technology) so I can't fault this song for that. No, the reason this song is terrible is the use of a foley kiss to create an "unexpected" break in the melody, a compositional tactic that I have dubbed a "gimmick". Gimmicks are resorted to when composers/songwriters are unable to write something memorable or meaningful. "Well this song is pretty crappy...Hey I know! I'll put in a foley kiss sound before the hook. That way people are bound to notice it (aurally speaking)! If you'd like to see gimmicks in action, go to any indie band performance in Nashville. This is not hyperbole.... It's gotten so bad 😢. Oh, and the rest of the lyrics are kind of dumb.

The thing that bothers me the most about this song, is that the music is actually really good. Mr. Anthony cut his musical teeth with Glenn Miller. You can't do much better than that. The baseline is superb, and the strings are quintessentially 1960s wall-of-sound perfection, akin to a gentle yet engulfing hug from a large grandmother in a fuzzy sweater. No one could dislike that. It's the gimmick, man. It ruins art (like Canadian politeness). #Woker

What to Listen to Instead: "Holiday on Skis" by Al Caiola and Riz Ortolani (1968) https://youtu.be/oZK0lsHjYcg
All that 60s musical goodness without gimmicky lyrics to mess it up. Plus, it doesn't have the word "Christmas" in it, so it's unoffensively PC like this emoji 🔫.

In Case You're Offended: I'm pretty sure 99% of those who will read this post have never heard this song before, but for the .0005% that have taken offense, here's a video of a puppy kissing a baby: https://youtu.be/We49NCk2_Og

Song #22
"Christmas Through Your Eyes" (Gloria Estefan, Diane Warren 1992)

Why It's Terrible: The premise of the song indicates that the adult wants to see Christmas the way her child/dren see(s) it. Nothing wrong with that per se, but then as the lyrics continue the singer is now putting the child in the position of teacher:

Won't you show me how
Wanna learn how to believe again
Find the innocence in me again
Through your young heart
Help me find a way, help me try

Welcome to the downfall of Western Civilization. "Kids seem to know things better than we adults, so let's learn from them! Okay little Billy, what life lesson would you have me learn today? Um, Boogers taste good? and boogeymen live in the closet? AAAAAAAHHHH!!! Save me little Billy!!!" And that's when the C.H.U.D.s came out.

Plus, that paragon of moral authority, The Simpsons, has already played out this scenario in S5 Ep7, "Bart's Inner Child": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpDV5AZ4kUU, a cautionary tale that all parents, and would-be parents, should watch with their respective parents.

But instead of simply remembering one's own childhood, let's pressure our child(ren) to live out all of our own broken dreams and we'll vicariously thrive in a fantasy world like n00bp0nag3420 on W.o.W. or every dance mom in America.

But the real terror comes at 2:55, when children begin singing along. Now, what exactly is going on here? The adult is singing "I want to see Christmas through your eyes," and the children sing it too? Do the children want to see Christmas through the eyes of a 90's adult contemporary pop singer? Which one is it!?!?!? I can't stand this level of ambiguity!! Curse you Estefan and Warren!!

What to Listen to Instead: Grown-Up Christmas List (David Foster, Linda Thompson 1992) Performed by Amy Grant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmF2rsDHOZc
Now before you flood the comments section with knee-jerk reactions, this song is the tonic to the ills described in my diatrib...errr...critique! It's a "grown-up" Christmas list that recognizes the existential nightmare that is "adulting," and positively channels that angst through song, not transfers it to the next generation (may God bless their poor unfortunate souls).

In Case You're Offended: Here's a group of British children putting on a Christmas pageant with hilarious results: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihQuiyV-lXU

Song #21
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Tommie Connor, 1952) Performed by The Jackson 5 (1970)

Why It's Terrible: First off, this song inspired two completely different movies, "Christmas Evil" (1980) and then the titular made-for-TV film in 2001. In case you're not familiar with the former, here's the opening scene: "In suburban New Jersey, on Christmas Eve 1947, a young boy named Harry Stadling sees his mother being sexually groped by his father, who is dressed up as Santa. Heartbroken, the child rushes up to the attic and cuts his hand with a shard of glass from a shattered snow globe." 33 years later, grown-up Harry begins dressing up like Santa and killing women. It has been clinically proven that listening to this song one-too-many times will cause murderous feelings to rise up in emotionally-sensitive young men. Interestingly, these very same feelings can occur in both sexes if humans subject themselves to watching the aforementioned titular made-for-TV movie (it aired on the PAX network. PAX = Death & Destruction).

Reason the second: What exactly is going on when Mommy is "tickling" Santa "underneath his beard..."? This description is a bit too ambiguous and leaves dangerous room in the listener's imagination (remember Harry Stadling?). Better put away all of your sharp objects before you listen to this song anymore.

And finally, in this particular version, at the end of the song, you can hear young Michael pleading with his brothers to believe him but to no avail. Now take everything you know historically about Joe Jackson and his children and this portion becomes that much more disturbing. Those poor kids.

What to Listen to Instead: "Up on the Housetop" (Benjamin Hanby 1864) Performed by Gene Autry (1953) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm7t6jl7qY0
This Santa sticks to his job; going from house to house delivering presents to children WITHOUT seducing their respective mothers.

In Case You're Offended: Here's a video of a mall Santa fail: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Elyi4mckBk

Song #20
"Santa Tell Me" (Ariana Grande, Ilya Salmanzadeh and Savan Kotecha, 2013)

Why It's Terrible: Ah, Moaning Myrtle, herself. This is probably the most recently written song to make it on my list, but I am not biased against new music, even Christmas music. Nay, this song is terrible for two-fold reasons upon which I shall elucidate further.
*Note, I will not be discussing the posted music video in this critique. I intend only to write a few paragraphs as to the SONG's horribleness. If I included the video, this critique would turn into a dissertation (seriously, why all of the booty-shaking?!?!?!)

Reason the first: The song broadcasts all of the "Millennial" stereotypes so much that it makes me want to lobotomize myself. The opening of the chorus: "Santa tell me if you're really there..." questioning the existence of Santa Claus based off of selfish fulfillment; exactly like college kids protesting fair elections (wait, did he just make a political statement?!?!? "Hang this jerk! Let him sway from the gallows like a rotting apple on a smoldering tree!").

But then it gets worse:

"Oh, I wanna have him beside me like oh-oh-oh
On the 25th by the fireplace, oh-oh-oh
But I don't want a new broken heart
This year I've got to be smart"

If you consider this to resemble even the faintest, loosest form of poetry, you may need to reconsider the meaning of existence like oh-oh-oh. Mayhaps you too can "Feel... Christmas all around" while "tryna play it cool"? Oh my poor Millennial heart. Hopefully someone will give me a participation trophy for having to listen to this drivel. That'll certainly fix my overwhelming feelings of inadequacy!

Reason the Second: Brian Mansfield of USA Today described the song as "an attempt at a seasonal staple", but falling short of Mariah Carey's Christmas song, "All I Want for Christmas Is You", "coming across like a jingly cross-breed version of Wham!'s 'Last Christmas' and Amy Grant's 'Baby Baby'. And he gave this song a positive review! If he really looked deep into his heart to find the true critique, he would have discovered that this song is the musical equivalent of a plastic paperweight. Maybe it's somewhat nice to look at, but it doesn't really have a purpose, and it's too light and flimsy to actually do the job it's intended to do. Oh and it's plastic. #metaphor

What to Listen to Instead: "Last Christmas" by Wham! (George Michael, 1984) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8gmARGvPlI

Yes, listen to one of the greats of Christmas heart-break. And before you start protesting let me explain why this song isn't on my list.....Are you ready? You can change the lyrics to "Last Christmas I gave you my fart!!!" Hilarious! What more could you ask for from a song? Absolutely nothing. Oh and there are more reasons that I could give, but you've stopped reading this post by now so I'll just type random words that come to my brain so that it looks like I'm still giving a reasonable apologetic to the merits of this particular song but I'm actually just wasting your time and Mr. Zuckerberg's data storage. #FreedomLiesWithTheProls

In Case You're Offended: I'm offended by the existence of this song (and especially this video which has 100M+ views!!!) so now I'm going to watch this video of He-Man singing "What's Up" by 4 Non-Blondes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eh7lp9umG2I

For 10 hours.

Song #19
Aberrations of "Deck the Halls" (Trad. 16th c. Welsh Carol/1862 English Lyrics) Performed by Mannheim Steamroller (2004 Remaster)

First and foremost, we have to clear up two things before I can begin: 1. Mannheim Steamroller sounds like something you would read about in an adult magazine; and 2. There are a gazillion traditional Christmas carols that receive this type of treatment, so why pick on MS and Deck the Halls? Well I couldn't pick on Jingle Bells because it's a Thanksgiving carol (not a joke, look it up!) so I went with the next most iconic (actual) Christmas carol and the MS version has tainted the eardrums of unassuming listeners for too long. Now onto the actual critique.

Why It's Terrible: Synthesizers* should never make up the basis of an entire song. Ever. Even the most skilled performers of keyboarded instruments can never make it look cool. Example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYDdcNXNStc

That's Herbie Hancock. You don't get better performers than Herbie Hancock, and even HE looks/sounds more like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5hDFHu8a4w, than like something serious/respectable.

Because of this version, "Deck the Halls" was no longer revered or respected, and would meet its untimely demise in 2008**.

And it's all because Mannheim Steamroller opened Pandora's box, one terrible synthesizer at a time. They played Helmet Touch with a holiday classic and we now suffer for their recklessness. And the tune itself was already ripe for parody with all of its "gay apparel" and "fa la las". Why hit in in the groin with a synthesizer while it's already down? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-7Dk-tVfD0 Shame on you Mannheim Steamroller!

What to Listen to Instead: "Christmas Don't Be Late" (Rosie Thomas, 2008) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZJdAoX60Uk

If you're going to attempt to remake a classic, first treat it with some stinkin' respect, and THEN attempt to make it better. Case in point, Ms. Thomas was able to take a "novelty Christmas song written by Ross Bagdasarian, Sr. (a.k.a. David Seville) in 1958, and sung by Bagdasarian in the form of a high-pitched chipmunk voice", and turn it into one of the most haunting, pathos-inducing, serious tunes I've heard in a long time. I'd wager (no I wouldn't) even she could make a synthesizer-led song not seem like a joke.

In Case You're Offended: Here's Christmas Don't be Late slowed way down: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hD3OakCx1FY,
a pastime enjoyed by Patton Oswalt in his youth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd8jPj5l-S8 (language warning).

*Synthesizers = Disrespect. That's a mathematical fact.
**Reader stay with me. We will discuss this tragic event in the weeks to come.

Song #18
"Santa Baby" (Joan Javits and Philip Springer, 1953). Performed by Eartha Kitt.

Why It's Terrible: Well this is what happens when Santa seduces your mom. Eventually your mom gets greedy and the seduction plays in reverse, which is just plain gross. And I don't know if you realized that "slip a Sable under the tree" isn't talking about the receiving of a fur pelt 😳

And then the song continues like a bad relationship: "Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be also good
If you'll check off my Christmas list"

It's the musical equivalent of "If I never married you I would be in Malibu eating caviar out of a porpoise's blowhole!" Or " I could have been a movie star instead of Mrs Shermie Blargenjunctionmeyer!" Or "I could be riddled with all kinds of venereal diseases, but I'm not because I'm being 'good' this year, so that earns me something nice, eh fat man?"

Hey Sanna? Are you starting to understand the error of your ways?

And then there's the bad pun lyric: "Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean on the phone..."

Seriously!?!? You mean after asking for a yacht, a duplex, and a freaking platinum mine, that when you ask for a measly old ring Santa is going to now assume that you are speaking metaphorically?!?! Go and trim your own Christmas tree this year you whore of Babylon!

What to Listen to Instead: "All I Want for Christmas is You" (Mariah Carey, Walter Afanasieff, 1994). https://youtu.be/yXQViqx6GMY. It's the exact opposite of the lecherous gold-digger of Santa Baby. This gal only wants her love-interest and nothing more and looks like a saint compared to the gal in our critique.

But if you're not a fan of romance, I've got you covered too: "All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth" (Donald Yetter Gardner, 1947) performed by Spike Jones and His City Slickers, 1948: https://youtu.be/I-iFsxSNN2c.

In Case You're Offended: Here's a compilation video of people stupidly breaking expensive things: https://youtu.be/vn69hfjqAsg (language warning)

Song #17
"Ding Dong Merrily on High" (Traditional 16th c. French Carol)

Why It's Terrible: Let's just be honest with ourselves for a moment: French music is generally terrible. Save for Debussy (and maybe Ravel), the French have never made any music worthy of praise and/or adoration, and the majority of their popular music is laughable and ripe for parody: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc6BvgyLeCc

So this is the flimsy easel upon which this "masterpiece" sits. Now let us dismantle it with sound reason and reductio ad absurdum:

Point Number 1: Onomatopoeia does not belong in song titles (especially if the onomatopoeia in question is both a Hostess snack and a snack for sidewalk hostesses!) Even Old McDonald's title is "Old McDonald" and not "Moo moo, quack quack, bark bark", etc. The French don't realize this. In fact, their animal sounds are the weirdest I've ever encountered. Dogs bark or woof, not "Uwah, uwah!" C'est ridicule!!

Point Number 2: This song is a gateway drug for children. As carols.co.uk.org.co.uk.net.org states: "Children especially enjoy Ding Dong Merrily on High due to the onomatopoeia (which we've already discussed) and the breathless state achieved when singing 'Gloria…'" which then logically leads to 8 balls and meth amphetamines. These precious children in this video will undoubtedly be on the streets of London trying to score some smack in exchange for "Cosi fan Tutti" as of the publishing of this article. Because of this, parents should be strongly cautioned before enrolling their children in something so dangerous as choir: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGllcb8cHAo (Notice the tune they were singing!)

Point Number Three: The lyrics to verse two were obviously translated by Google and contains a nod to Sting and The Police:

"E'en so here below, below,
Let steeple bells be swungen,
And "Io, io, io!"
By priest and people sungen."

I understand that writing lyrics to songs is hard, but when you invent a word and then rhyme it with another word you invented just so that second word rhymes with the first word you invented, that's just pathetic. Even dime store rappers don't stoop that low. Leave it to the French...

What to Listen to Instead: "Angels we Have Heard on High" (Traditional French Carol/English Hymn Gloria arr. Edward Shippen Barnes) Performed by Andrea Bocelli: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlhdKTYwdsY

Now before you start to ridicule this entire critique by pointing out the obvious flaw that this TOO is a French carol, THIS tune has been carefully corrected by the English and AMERICA! And I guarantee you someone like Andrea Bocelli would NEVER have a "Ding Dong" come out of his mouth.

In Case You're Offended: I was hoping I could find a video of Christmas at Belmont 2006 in which the massive choir and orchestra performed the offending carol that is the subject of this critique, but alas this was before they started putting them on the interwebs. It just so happened that I was a part of the mass choir that year (a zero credit ensemble that I had to take for two semesters!) so to show my love for the song and the Oratorio, I sang my part a half step below everyone else for the entire song as loudly as possible. Oh yeah. I was such a rebel. Anywho, here's a video of a boys' choir performing a piece by Rossini completely in Meows: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fujYoh0SXBs

Song #16
"This Gift" (Some Schmuck in a Suit, 1999) Performed by 98 Degrees

Why It's Terrible: Instead of explaining why this song is terrible, I'm simply going to copy and paste the lyrics below:

The snow is falling
The city is white
Your eyes are shining
like diamonds tonight
And we're all alone
There's no one home
You're finally in my arms again

The night is silent
And Christmas is here
I couldn't ask for more than having ya near
'Cause I love you girl (love you girl)
And I always will (always will)
And now I know the moment is right
The moment is right

[Chorus]
Cause I've been waiting to give this gift tonight
I'm down on my knees
There's no better time
It's something to last for as long as you live
Tonight I'm gonna give you all my heart can give

I thought I'd give you something shiny and new
I'd try to find something worthy of you
But I realized when I looked inside
There's some things that money can't buy (oh no)

I feel the magic whenever you're near
I feel it even more this time of the year
Cause I love you girl (love you girl)
I always will (always will)
And now I know the moment is right
The moment is right

[Chorus]

You know I'll always be true to you
And you know I'm the one you can turn to
Any time, any place, or anywhere
You know that I'll always be there

[Chorus]

Did you read them? I mean, did you actually read them, especially reading between the lines? Ok. So did you figure out what this song is about? If not, here's this song in a nutshell: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwCbbMgp3Lw&t=1m12s

That's what this song is about. And imagine my surprise when I heard it on Mix 92.9 immediately after "Mary Did You Know." And now you are tainted forever too.

What to Listen to Instead: "Wrapped in Red" Performed by Kelly Clarkson, 2014:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IFfZRVRbqM This is how you should poetically tell someone you want to get to "know" them. Subtlety is sexy. Whining man babies are pathetic, especially those that resort to getting down on their knees...

In Case You're Offended: Here's another Boy Band getting their comeuppance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jD6rKhzV_m0
Life has already punished the men of 98 Degrees enough for their offenses.

Song #15
"Christmas Conga" (Jan Pulsford, Cyndi Lauper, 1998)

Why It's Terrible: First and foremost, Conga lines (ergo Conga songs) should be relegated to poorly attended wedding receptions and office parties. They certainly don't belong within any canon of Christmas music. Now with this in mind, let's talk about the song itself.

This song utilizes many of the horrible ideas from previous pieces that we have discussed and are as follows: gimmick (essentially this entire song is one big gimmick), onomatopoeia (in the form of "Bonga, Bonga, Bonga"), and made-up words in order to rhyme with other words (Wow, Bonga can do it all!).

In addition to these offenses, Ms. Lauper issues a call to civil disorder and moral anarchy:

"And then we'll put on party hats
As the year comes to a conclusion
Turn on the yule log
Spike up the egg nog
And break those resolutions"

Donny: Is she a Nazi, Walter?
Walter: No, Donny, she's a nihilist. There's nothing to be afraid of.

The only admirable trait of this song is the spoken word, "heartfelt" Christmas wish interjected by Ms. Lauper (at 1:58) in her best Coffee Talk with Linda Richman impersonation (reference for all you Millennials: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDXEgBh0TF0) and ends it with "Oh, and have a nice life," because at least in this one moment of the song she's accurately portraying how she really feels about anyone who would listen to this garbage (hint: it's called sarcasm).

What to Listen to Instead: "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" (Johnny Marks, 1958) Performed by Brenda Lee: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6xNuUEnh2g
If you're going to dance this (or any) Christmas just let it be good ole fashion non-descriptive "Rockin'", and let it be safely around a central object of attraction (mayhaps a Christmas Tree?) and not in line formation. This particular tune is the antithesis of the "Christmas Conga" and can be enjoyed and participated by folks of all ages without worrying that Zeke from Accounting is going to come up behind you and grab you by the hips while whispering "Bonga, Bonga Bonga" in your ear. And now you know why I'm no longer allowed at Shoney's. Curse you Cyndi Lauper!!!

In Case You're Offended: I could have made a joke about the Bataan Death March to offend even more people, but instead here's a video of the most pathetic conga line I've ever watched: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPwSc7a-juA

Song #14
"Mistletoe" (Nasri Atweh, Adam Messinger, Justin Bieber, 2011)

RJ Cubarrubia of Billboard magazine commented about this song upon original release: "Bieber's breezy crooning and flat lyrics make 'Mistletoe' come off like an uninspiring, Jason Mraz-esque holiday track."

That seems a pretty fair assessment of this tune at the surface level, but when you go a bit deeper, you discover some surprising scientific facts about "Mistletoe."

1. "Mistletoe" is a parasite

Mistletoe is an evergreen pest that attaches itself to Tweens, Twinks and Unassuming Soccer Moms, stealing their nutrients and water. This can weaken or disfigure the host, and eventually even kill it.

"When you get a heavy infestation, it keeps sucking strength away from the host," according to Rick Gibson, a plant expert at the University of Arizona. "It's almost like a cancerous type of growth."

2. "Mistletoe" is really hard to get rid of

Once it infects a host, "Mistletoe" is difficult to remove. When its seed sprouts, it burrows through the cerebral cortex of the host and into their tissues, extending up and down within the body. Even if you cut off visible portions of the invader, new infections often grow from inside the host thanks to repeated plays on top 40 Radio stations. The most effective way to fight it is to remove the infection entirely. I'm looking at you Canada.

3. "Mistletoe" is poisonous

Consuming any amounts of "Mistletoe" can cause drowsiness, blurred vision, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, weakness and seizures. The symptoms are caused by a poisonous ingredient called weenus-toxin, which is found in all parts of the organism, including the microscopic berries, and is especially concentrated in the crustache.

4. But it also has medicinal properties

Despite its dangers, "Mistletoe" has a history of medicinal use. The European version has been used for years in traditional medicine to cause seizures, headaches, infertility, hypertension and arthritis.

According to the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine, part of the National Institutes of Health, "Mistletoe" injections are available only in clinical trials in the U.S., but are available by prescription in Europe, where "Mistletoe" is used as an alternative for cancer.

5. "Mistletoe" is also found in the desert

European "Mistletoe" plagues temperate regions all over the world. There are also several versions in America that thrive in the deserts in the Southwest, where they live in paleo-dieters, middle-schoolers, Jennifers, and other sub-human lifeforms.

6. "Mistletoe" comes in different forms

Not all "Mistletoe" has the "sonically derived from the pop and R&B genres while making use of reggae elements" sound most of us are used to." Some versions of "Mistletoe" are even more toxic than the original (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ne4ba7yYWNY, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqyXEelL4-c). A Capella "Misteltoe" is the most deadly, and should be avoided at all costs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KcZSLhc_Yc).
Most versions have no value at all and some are like a dense bundle of twigs stuck in the branches of a rotting tree.

7. And goes by many different names

"Mistletoe" is also known as birdlime, No-heal, Molden bough, drudenfuss, iscador, devil's fuge, Canadian Fakin', Un-descended Rocky Mountain Oysters, and Deepus-in-the-Closetus.

This Holiday season, please inform your family and friends about the potential dangers of any form of contact with "Mistletoe."

What to Listen to Instead: "Holly Jolly Christmas" (Johnny Marks, 1964) Performed by Burl Ives https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVMCUtsmWmQ

Let mistletoe be just a decoration, not the center of attention. Only perverts and Weenuses obsess over/under mistletoe.

In Case You're Offended: Here's a compilation of the Canadian Parasite getting some comeuppance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q12Q5pXJ2rg

Song #13
"Baby it's Cold Outside" (Frank Loesser, 1944) Original from the film "Neptune's Daughter"

Why It's Terrible: THIS IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG!!! Put aside the fact that this is the musical embodiment of a Pepe le Pew cartoon (reference for you Millennials: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEdBndu0YUM) this song mentions nothing about Christmas, holidays, jingle bells, winter, or even SNOW!!! Ipso facto, this song could be sung at any time of year in colder climes. IT"S NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG!!! SO STOP TREATING IT LIKE ONE, AC RADIO STATIONS!!!!

And now let's discuss the sexual assault themes...

What to Listen to Instead: "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" (Felix Bernard, Richard Smith, 1934) Performed by Dean Martin:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkFP0VwpPRY

Instead of listening to normal men/women sing about attempting lecherous acts, listen to a lecherous man sing about normal winter themes instead. Now before you start to argue that this, too, is not a Christmas song, at least this song mentions sleigh bells, snow, winter (the season that Christmas is in) snowman, etc. "Due to its seasonal theme, 'Winter Wonderland' is often regarded as a Christmas song in the Northern Hemisphere, although the holiday itself is never mentioned in the lyrics. There is a mention of "sleigh-bells" several times, implying that this song refers to the Christmas period. In the Swedish language lyrics, "Vår vackra vita vintervärld", the word tomtar is mentioned."

And everyone knows that tomtar = Christmas. That's just basic math.

And if that's not enough to convince you, if "Jingle Bells," a Thanksgiving carol, mind you (LOOK IT UP!), can be considered a Christmas song, so can this one!

In Case You're Offended:
The composer of this "hot Cosby" of a song wrote "the duet in 1944 and premiered the song with his wife, Lynn Garland, at their Navarro Hotel in New York housewarming party, and performed it toward the end of the evening, signifying to guests that it was nearly time to end the party. Frank would introduce himself as the "Evil of Two Loessers", a play on the theme of the song, trying to keep the girl from leaving, and on the phrase "lesser of two evils". This was a period when the Hollywood elite's chief entertainment was throwing parties and inviting guests who were expected to perform. Garland wrote that after the first performance, 'We became instant parlor room stars. We got invited to all the best parties for years on the basis of 'Baby.' It was our ticket to caviar and truffles. Parties were built around our being the closing act.' Garland considered it their song and was furious when Loesser told her he was selling the song. Garland wrote, 'I felt as betrayed as if I'd caught him in bed with another woman.' He sold it to MGM."

Life imitates art. Anywho, would you care for some champagnyah? It's cold outside you know: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0hPFDmoVyo

Song #12
"This Christmas" (Matthew and Gunnar Nelson, Michael and Alyssa Bonagura, 2015)

Why It's Terrible: Ah. The tried-and-true musical comeback where a once-successful act resorts to country music to break back into the charts and on Top40 Radio. It's now old hat, (http://www.rollingstone.com/…/21-most-unexpected-rockers-to…) but leave it to the Nelson Twins to keep it going. If you don't remember Nelson, here's a refresher: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1W6-ErrHls
They had a handful of hits in the late 80s/early 90s, but solidified their so-so status by being featured on "Monster Ballads" and its commercial which plagued your TV screens for years: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNCiXKpO94g

Now the Nelsons have teamed up with Nashville Country pros and churned out this so-so love song with a Christmas back-drop. Now you may ask yourself after hearing this song, "Why would Matt consider this to be worse than the 13 other songs he's already castigated? Allow me to elucidate on that for a moment.

1. Plain-spoken "Country" lyrics should not be allowed in the Christmas canon: "I should have told you sooner, well I tried. But it was never the right time."

2. It perpetuates the myth about Christmas that has been recycled since the early 20th Century and played out in so many Hallmark movies that Netflix was able to make it a stand-alone list. Just because it's Christmas, it doesn't mean he/she is going to fall in love with you! Say what/how you feel today. Don't wait for Christmas, because when he/she invariably tells you "let's just be friends" you'll be a basket-case of pathetic emotion and you'll spoil the enjoyment for everyone you come in contact with (but it won't be funny like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NFGBwgjmEY)

3. Seriously Top 40 Radio, why do you keep playing this song?!?!? No one cares about it! The official youtube videos only have 7,000ish views! This video of paint drying for 10 hours has 100K+ views: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGA-GCq7JWM. Does this not send you some signals? Maybe it's because of where I live, Music City U.S.A., where hits are produced everyday (a process similar to the production of Slurm: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ov4HjDHWUe4) that any and all home-grown garbage must be laden upon the locals, "cuz they'll appreesheeate it cuz it's a song from Nashveeell."

A Note to the Reader: I really shouldn't have picked on this song. There are hordes of other modern country Christmas songs that could have easily taken this spot (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqlH19dhI9Q, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOGZJvNa8S4, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqmwA7rd9EE, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDCmeKs8Zpk, https://youtu.be/5tGKgaFs5Yk, https://youtu.be/dwnkkyUFWrY) and Lord knows I could keep going if only I could stomach it, but I need to stop and take some Pepto. No, the reason I chose this particular song is simply that no one has taken the time to type up the lyrics, so I had to listen to the song and watch the lyric video multiple times in order to write this critique, which only fueled the raging fire of my disdain until it grew into an unstoppable inferno of outrage (see, poetic imagery isn't hard to write).

What to Listen to Instead: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (Johnny Marks, 1949) Performed by Gene Autry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ara3-hDH6I

Original Country Christmas songs can be good, nay, timeless classics if the subject matter is treated in poetic fashion. It'd be nice if the folks on music row started searching for inspiration from those who came before them instead of where they normally search: http://tinyurl.com/h4lgrms (Do not attempt to google search similar images. What is seen cannot be unseen. You have been warned).

In Case You are Offended: Consider that everyone of the examples that I have displayed for you has been played on the radio, television, and countless other media, and each singer or songwriter has net-worths in the millions (if they didn't spend it all on blow or Republican party candidates), and I eke out a living cleaning toilets and mopping floors #truth But if that doesn't assuage you, here's some Country Music stars reading mean Tweets about themselves: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aUK3R_r_vo

Song #11
"Funky, Funky Christmas" (Donnie Wahlberg, Maurice Starr, 1989) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xv28Rr4G-8

Why It's Terrible: I don't think I need to go into any details as to why this song is terrible. Sometimes you can just judge a book by its cover when the title of the book is "Steaming Pile of Crap." But here are a few lyric examples that set this tune apart from all the others:

St. Nick by the fireplace dusting off his head with a frown on his face
He said hey - said what - he said you - I said what
He said you left the fire burning and I burnt my butt
so now I've learned you've got to turn the fireplace down
so Santa won't get burned

It's Christmas, can you swing this?
Funky, dope jam top on your Christmas list, do you dig this?
Boy, there ain't no twist, just something you wish for and you almost missed huh
Funky Christmas and a Happy New Year, how could you be booing it with Donnie D doing it?

Ho, ho, ho, this is the MC Santa Claus and my elf little Joe
Yeah, merry Christmas, merry Christmas, we gonna kick the ballistics of our Christmas wishes.

If you don't remember the New Kids on the Block, consider yourself lucky. I was maybe 5 years old when they were at the peak of their popularity, and even 5 year old me hated them. But they were popular long enough to have a 25 year hiatus and make a comeback by doing themed cruises which were filmed for a reality TV show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLLHU1Q2F1c. I figure this is what inspired DC Talk to do the same :(

What You Should Listen to Instead: "Christmas in Hollis" (Run DMC, 1987) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR07r0ZMFb8. Man, now THIS is Christmas music! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=to24HpTmtho

In Case You're Offended: There is no way you could be offended by this. Even if you were a NKotB mega-fan back in the early 90s, surely you've grown up and lived enough life to realize that this tune is utter garbage.

Well if I've offended you, please don't go girl, you got it! Step by step, let's try it again. If you go away I'll be hangin' tough, cuz I got the right stuff. Call it what you want, but Baby I believe in you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ph7L6-dyQ3Q

Song #10
"Here Comes Santa Claus" (Oakley Haldeman, Gene Autry, 1947)

Why It's Terrible: This song is the embodiment of all that is wrong with American Christmas and American parenting. First and foremost, Santa Claus certainly does not come "right down Santa Claus Ln", which just so happens to be a dirt road in Valdosta, Georgia: http://imgur.com/nM1TGUg. Only the Santa Claus from "Christmas Evil" would come down that lane. Supposedly the inspiration for this tune came to Autry "after riding his horse in the 1946 Santa Claus Lane Parade (now the Hollywood Christmas Parade) in Los Angeles, during which crowds of spectators chanted, 'Here comes Santa Claus'. This inspired him to write a song that Haldeman set to music." And just like a crappy Hollywood movie, Autry sacrificed historical authenticity for a shmaltzy happy ending.

But my real beef with the song isn't because of one lyric, it's because of the entire premise: "Autry's lyrics combined two veins of the Christmas tradition, the mythology of Santa Claus and the Christian origin of the holiday (most explicitly in its mention of the nativity promise of 'peace on Earth')."

Here we have not only a conflict of worldviews, but more importantly, we have a complete omission of important aspects of Santa Claus history and lore. I'll quickly explain the former and save the bulk of my lecture for the latter.

1. By mixing the sacred with secular you offend both Christians and atheist by co-mingling two separate things, Santa Claus and the birth of Jesus. For starters, Jesus has an almost 300 year head start on St. Nick, so this: http://www.wrensworld.com/santaprayertop.jpg is completely out of the question, cute bunnies aside. Plus, mixing prayers with the hanging of stockings makes zero sense post December 6th (Look it up!) so are you essentially telling the children that Santa Claus is coming anywhere between December 6th and 24th? Like forecasting when a hurricane will make landfall...

And what about the atheist children? If Santa brings them presents but they don't pray, what kind of a message are you sending to Christendom? I haven't been this outraged since Kirk Cameron tried to save Christmas!

2. If you are going to treat Santa Claus in a sacred manner, you have to display him in the proper historical context, wherein Santa looks like this:http://tinyurl.com/zyabg2d, and then, based on your ethnic background, he arrives at your neighborhood in a ship accompanied by Zvarte Pete:http://tinyurl.com/jnc4b4u (which is now racist, but the Dutch don't care) or on foot with chain-laden Krampus: http://tinyurl.com/hfrfrq8 (which is not only proper in any ethnic group, but should be a focal point of your Christmas season) #GoodbyeElfOnTheShelf St. Nicholas rewards good and obedient children with presents and yum yums, whereas Krampus punishes wicked children with gag gifts and/or physical beatings, and the worst of the worst get stuffed into his sack and dragged off to hell #ThatsChristmasToMe

Now a lot of you probably know that I have been spreading Krampus awareness for years, but it's becoming more apparent just how important this mission is becoming. Consider the number of times you've been out in public and have watched children misbehave without even the slightest rebuke from a parental figure! I guarantee you those kids are getting gifts from Santa this year because their parents are spineless wastes of DNA. How on Earth do you expect your children to grow up into functioning members of society if they can act like beasts in public and still get rewarded for it?!?! Do you think a little snot-nosed punk like that'll ever grow up to be preside...oh...um...well....

What to Listen to Instead: "I'm Gettin' Nuttin' for Christmas" (Sid Tepper, Roy C. Bennett, 1955) Performed by Art Mooney and His Orchestra ft. Barry Gordon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vK06SgtXin0

A Santa-free song (so, unoffensive to most worldviews) filled with the Karmaic idea that what goes around comes around (which is offensive to my worldview, but whatever).

Parents, if your child(ren) has(ve) been hellions all year long, why reward them for it? Just because they came from your loins doesn't mean they're God's gift to creation. Only guys named Matthew are! But I digress. Maybe if you spent less time reading idiotic posts about Christmas songs on social media and more time spanking your children the world wouldn't be in such a mess! And no, that is not a Post hoc ergo proper hoc fallacy (you should look that one up. You'll never be able to watch Fox News the same again after learning about it). It's the truth. And the truth (like a bundle of birch rods wielded by a demon) sometimes hurts.

In Case You're Offended: Here's the warmest, fuzziest, most non-offensive song about Santa Claus ever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgFSSPlzBl4
And here's 30 minutes' worth of "Confidence Spoken Affirmations with binaural tones for Healthy Self-esteem": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCJkTXS4LoA

Song #9
"Back Door Santa" (Clarence Carter, Marcus Daniel, 1968) Performed by Bon Jovi

Why It's Terrible: The man who gave us the timeless classic, "Strokin'" (a karaoke performance at Twin Kegs 2 by a large white man that I will never forget), penned this holiday 12-bar blues tune with "lyrics [that] are sexually suggestive, [and] not having much to do with Christmas as a holiday." This is essentially the holiday anthem for your pervy Uncle or Grandfather. So you may be wondering why I chose the Bon Jovi version instead of any of the other versions (including covers by BB King and The Black Crowes). I chose it simply because it was part of a Christmas compilation album entitled "A Very Special Christmas" produced to benefit the Special Olympics. That's not a joke...Eventually it was replaced on later pressings with the song "I Wish Every Day Could Be Like Christmas" by Bon Jovi. Shame on you Jon Bongiovi. A song like this is better suited for "Slippery When Wet": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ji-cT58rgNc

So there's that. Now let's turn to the poetry:

"They call me Back Door Santa
I make my runs about the break of day (repeated)
I make all the little girls happy
While the boys are out to play

I ain't like the old Saint Nick
He don't come but once a year (repeated)
I come runnin' with my presents
Every time you call me dear

I keep some change in my pocket, in case the children are home
I give 'em a few pennies so that we can be alone
I leave the back door open so if anybody smells a mouse
And wouldn't old Santa be in trouble if there ain't no chimney in the house

That's what they call me, Back Door Santa
That's what they call me
They call me Back Door Santa
That's what all the girls call me

I give 'em all little presents
That's what they call me
They call me Back Door Santa
And I like for them to call me that
They call me Back Door Santa
And I like it and I like it and I like it"

If anybody "smells a mouse"...There really are no words. I blame the media.

What to Listen to Instead: "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" (John Frederick Coots, Haven Gillespie, 1934) Performed by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xOe4GRyebo

Finally a non-sexualized, fully-secular Santa that still expects children to behave (for goodness sake), and you know he's coming to town because The Boss repeats that phrase at least 200 times in his version. Noticeably absent in his version are the rooty toot toots et al. Good call Bruce.

In Case You Are Offended: I seriously doubt that anyone would disagree with me that this is a terrible Christmas song, but for that .0001% out there, here's a video on how to fix your sagging exterior swinging back door: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C04Wugur0HA (cuz Back Door Santa is never gentle).

Song #8
"Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS (Herbert B. Khaury aka Tiny Tim, 1980?)

Why It's Terrible: I probably don't have to explain why this song belongs on the list; the title is rather revealing. Apart from being terribly produced, it has too many verses and horrible foley. To make matters worse, the writer/performer, Tiny Tim, tried to play it off as if Santa had acquired the appetite-reducing candy called AYDS: http://tinyurl.com/lmq9ydx, and assured that he wrote the song, "before Rock Hudson" and before AIDS was an acronym. However, this song was not released/discovered until 1990, and many of the verses refer to Santa being sick in bed and hoping that the doctor will cure him (of a candy addiction, no doubt) so the author's testimony is a bit speculative.

Question: Why take diet pills when you can enjoy AYDS?: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBkVuT5pw1g

Well let's keep things on the high road here and not make any snide comments about poor Santa Claus and how he may have gotten the AIDS in the first place. Just remember, dear reader, it's extremely impolite to give someone Ayds as a gift. Even if you think a friend or relative could benefit from some Ayds (or Diet Ayds, which the name was changed to after 1982 to avoid confusion) that decision is best left up to the individual. In summation, no one wants Ayds for Christmas, be they chocolate, chocolate mint, butterscotch, caramel or peanut butter.

What to Listen to Instead: "The Night Santa Went Crazy" ("Weird" Al Yankovic, 1994) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FJU4GrXztE

It's just as offensive (for different reasons) but is much better produced. So if you want to purposefully offend your friends and family this holiday season, I recommend this option. And I especially enjoy the opening lines "Down in the workshop all the elves were making toys, for the good gentile girls, and the good gentile boys..." Keepin' it klassy.

For the record I just want you all to know that I don't condone or endorse either of these songs. I just report what's already out there in scholarly fashion and leave it up to you to form your own opinions. So don't get upset with me that these songs exist. Blame Back Door Santa.

In Case You are Offended: Here's the proper context in which a Tiny Tim song should be used: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjGUAcwryHI

Song #7
"The Christmas Waltz" (Sammy Cahn, Jule Styne, 1954). Performed by Frank Sinatra https://youtu.be/cGaPDWMzYGw

Why it's Terrible: This song just doesn't work from the outset; the product of LA songwriters throwing something together at the last minute to appease a lecherous crooner (this time Sinatra). Thus this polished turd of a tune was born. And YES, it is WORSE than "Santa Claus has got the AIDS" for the following reasons.

1. Waltzes are for dancing, not singing. Think of any famous waltz (Blue Danube, Waltz of the Flowers, etc.) are there any lyrics? No. Proper waltzes should be too quick for lyrics, so then you have to slow it down so the diva singer doesn't feel "rushed" and then the whole piece becomes a dragging, boring, three-legged race to death.

2. The lyrics are more than hackneyed, they're blatant. "And this song of mine in three-quarter time...". OF COURSE IT'S IN THREE-QUARTER TIME!!! THAT's WHY YOU TITLED IT "CHRISTMAS WALTZ!!!" It's reckless writing like this that encourages the forsaking of music theory. "Why does little Johnny need to learn time signatures? We'll just tell him what it is in the lyrics of the song!" I've always said that the lack of musical understanding has led to the downfall of Western Civilization, because only Philistines and barbarians can't distinguish between 3/4 and 4/4.

3. "He's filled his sleigh with things. Things for you and me." We go from "tell" to total ambiguity. That's just pathetic. Luckily for the songwriting duo, bobby soxers weren't listening to the lyrics, all they cared about was "Frankie!!!" https://youtu.be/mLeXQtsohSI
This is the "Mistletoe" of the 1950s. Ruminate on that for a moment or two.

What to Listen to Instead: "The Christmas Song" (Bob Wells, Mel Torme, 1945) preformed by Nat King Cole https://youtu.be/hwacxSnc4tI

This is a song, which is supposed to have words and a singer. Leave the waltzes to rivers, flowers, and 1860s débutants.

In Case You are Offended: Here's Don Rickles roasting Frank Sinatra https://youtu.be/K-KeTNU-ods

Song #6
"The Gift" (Jim Brickman, 1997) Performed by Collin Raye and Susan Ashton

Why It's Terrible: First and foremost, THIS IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG!!!! It's just a crappy love song in disguise!! The only lyric that makes it even remotely Christmasy is "winter snow is falling down." That's it. So just like "Baby it's Cold Outside," this tune can be played after Christmas and still be within its parameters. But this isn't the main reason why this song is so offensive. The reason it sits at the number six spot is it's a blatant example of musical oligarchy. The song's composer, Jim Brickman, left his career of writing songs for elevators and washed-up country singers and became a "radio host." And wouldn't you know it but all-of-a-sudden "The Gift" begins showing up in heavy rotation once Christmas music is featured on AC radio stations (in Nashville's case on Mix 92.9). So now Mr. Brickman is getting more radio spins which means his royalty checks will be bigger, and HE is the one choosing what songs will be played!?!? I haven't seen glaring self-dealing like this since my time at Belle Meade! (too soon?).

And here we are, us hard-working Americans scratching and scraping to make a living for ourselves and our families while the fat cats in in radio land are unabashedly quid pro quoing harder than a crooked US senator. I can just see Brickman and Delilah (after dark) doing lines of coke off of the Constitution and injecting themselves with fetal stem cells while "The Gift" plays ad infinitum. To quote Helen Lovejoy: "Won't someone please think of the children!!!"

What to Listen to Instead: "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" (Traditional 18th Century English Carol) Performed by The Mormon Tabernacle Choir: https://youtu.be/SNXWtunvyjg

Now here's a song where John Q. Public takes back his power from Bradley Q. Uppercrust IV by singing badly on the doorstep of Thurstinghamptonshirequay Manor and demanding figgy pudding and ales and not leaving until said items are delivered to the performers. I say we all do this at Jim Brickman's doorstep and badly sing "The Gift" until Brickman promises to quit the radio business, and then demand he make us figgy pudding to boot! Take back your power with me dear reader! If there is hope, it MUST lie in the proles!

In Case You are Offended: Here's a video of an apparently rich douchebag getting what he deserves: https://youtu.be/SOnM4wFwNoc

Song #5
"Christmas in Love" (Firefall, 1982?)

Why It's Terrible: Imagine if you were the janitor for the Hallmark channel and while you were sweeping up the editor's booth, you decided to collect all of the scraps left on the cutting room floor and pasted them together; that's essentially what this tune is. It's not even a complete song, it's just a chorus that slightly changes lyrics and has the cheesiest 80s synth accompaniment scattered throughout.

Now I must warn you: if you listen to this song all the way through, you will develop musical constipation. This amount of cheese should not be consumed in its entirety; just sampled once or twice and then left alone. If you fail to heed my warning, you'll end up like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=co6d7mWIFvk
And the only cure for musical constipation isn't covered by Obamacare: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVWLHMZ-ceE

What to Listen to Instead: "Merry Christmas Darling" (Richard Carpenter, 1966) Performed by The Carpenters: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YR1ujXx2p-I

This is the proper amount of Christmas cheese fit for human consumption. AND, you only have to change one word and it goes from love song to insult song: "Merry Christmas douchebag (Merry Christmas Douchebag)", and then I like to re-write the second part of that line to: "and go #$% yourself too..." Try it the next time you're stuck in holiday traffic :)

In Case You're Offended: Here are the Muppets (not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man...) singing a The Carpenters hit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozde7OFV19c

Song #4
"Wonderful Christmas Time" (Paul McCartney, 1979)

Why It's Terrible: Nothing can be more divisive than mediocre music, especially when it comes from someone who is capable of delivering timeless classics, so I know this song has its lovers and haters, but haters be praised because this song sucks, and here's why.

1. It contains two elements that I have previously lambasted: onomatopoeia "ding dongs" AND synthesizers. Had this song been written/performed by anyone else other than Sir Paul it would have been ridiculed to oblivion, but since its a former Beatle it must be good, right? This was the same logic that took me to see "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" in theaters. "It's Sean Connery, it has to be good!" No. Not even close. Even geniuses metaphorically poop from time to time, and thanks to Sean Connery's body of work I've dubbed this the "Zardoz" effect: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070948/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Essentially, "Wonderful Christmas Time is the "Zardoz" of Christmas songs, and hopefully every time you hear it from now on you'll be picturing Sean Connery in a loin cloth and bandolier trying to have sex with old women. You're welcome.

2. It plays into the unfairness of celebrity/rich people. "Including royalties from cover versions, it is estimated that McCartney makes $400,000 a year from this song, which puts its cumulative earnings at near $15 million." Imagine if you decided to do mediocre work at your respective place of employment. Do you think your employer would reward you with a raise, or even a bonus? Nope. So every time you listen to this song, YOU contribute to the socio-economic divide, which means it's not Republicans or Democrats that are ruining this country, it's you. I hope you're proud of yourself.

3. It's racist. The B-Side is a song called "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reggae": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXV06WvS0Pc. Last time I checked, cultural appropriation wasn't cool, especially if you're a rich white guy stealing from people of color. SJWs, you've failed me yet again.

What to Listen to Instead: "Happy Christmas: War is Over" (by John Lennon & Yoko Ono/Plastic Ono Band, 1971): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yN4Uu0OlmTg

While Paul was living the fat cat capitalist dream, John was thinking about obtaining world peace, and Yoko was drinking "a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat": http://tinyurl.com/hsmm347
So if you don't want to be like/worse than Donald Trump this Christmas, choose John over Paul.

In Case You are Offended: I'm sure this post has offended a lot of people, so here are some concessions. One version of "WCT" is okay:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qReziqBwEr4, and one version of "HC:WiO" is so god-awful you'll lost faith in humanity:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-c7S56HvBg
So now both sides of the aisle have weaponized feces to throw at each other #TrueMeaningOfChristmas

Song # 3
"Christmas Tree" (Lady GaGa, Space Cowboy, Martin Kierszenbaum, 2008)

Why It's Terrible: Do you remember back to Song #19 where I mentioned that "Deck the Halls" was put to death in 2008? Well here is the song that killed it. But it didn't just kill it, it did to "Deck the Halls" what Mr. Slave did to Paris Hilton (I'm not posting a link here for the sake of posterity, but it's available on youtube if you're really curious). And worst of all, THREE PEOPLE WROTE THIS SONG!!!

I can just imagine that writing session. SC: So Stephanie, what kind of song do you want to write? LG: What about a Christmas song where the Christmas tree is actually a metaphor for my vagina? MK: Hey I like that idea, but what all do you want to say about your vagina? LG: Well let's just bang out a half-assed synth beat and I'll see what comes to mind. Oh, and let's skull-f#@% "Deck the Halls" while we're at it. SC: Sounds good to me!

Dearest reader, I must apologize for the strong language and imagery I resorted to in the previous paragraphs. There comes a time in every man's life where pleasantries and decorum just will not suffice, and you just have to tell it like it is. This song has so wrecked everything I used to love about "Deck the Halls" that I can no longer listen to any version of it without thinking of the debaucherous things going in and out of Lady Gaga's Christmas tree. When someone has committed such an offense they must be called out and publicly shamed. She did to Christmas music what ISIS did to Syrian relics! Seriously people!! Do you not understand this crime against humanity?!?! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilcRS5eUpwk

But alas, it seems that most people enjoy the "naughtiness" of the song, and willfully overlook the fact that it's the musical equivalent of fornicating yourself with a synthesizer and overdubbing it with sleigh bells so it can be packaged as a Christmas song. I can't even continue. The sadness. The darkness. I just can't...(uncontrollable weeping)

THREE PEOPLE WROTE THIS SONG!!! I CAN"T GET OVER IT!!

"And in despair I bowed my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For the Gaga is strong and mocks the song
Of Fa la la la la, la la la la."

What to Listen to Instead: "Xmas Wish" (Casey and His Brother, 2010) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWxWkUsxsbM

THIS SONG IS BETTER THAN "CHRISTMAS TREE," and it's Tim and Eric for crying' out loud! If you can think of any logical reasons as to why "Christmas Tree" is better than this, you deserve either the Nobel Peace Prize or Partner is Satan's Law Firm

In Case You're Offended: There's only one thing in this world that will make me believe in humanity again, anthropomorphized ducks, dogs, and mice. Here's Mickey's Christmas Carol in its entirety: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3OD2VL0ICE

Song #2
"The Christmas Shoes" (Leonard Ahlstrom, Eddie Carswell, 2000)
Performed by NewSong

Why It's Terrible: If Joel Osteen ever vomited onto an acoustic guitar, the resulting song would be better than this tune. In case you are not familiar with this song, here's the synopsis provided by our friends at Wikipedia:

The song recounts the events experienced by a narrator completing the last of his gift-shopping on Christmas Eve. In the checkout aisle, a young boy is ahead of him, wishing to purchase a pair of expensive shoes for his terminally ill mother, explaining to the cashier that he hasn't much time remaining before she finally succumbs to the undisclosed illness and that he wants her to appear presentable before Jesus. However, he lacks enough money to pay for the shoes. The narrator ends up paying for the shoes, to the boy's delight. The song closes on the note that the experience has permanently changed the narrator, reflecting on the true meaning of the Christmas season.

This entire song is basically a musical Chick Tract (reference for you Millenials: http://tinyurl.com/heprv2j) but with worse theology, and one of the reasons Western Civilization has lost its faith in anything. Even the Today Show panned it (http://tinyurl.com/z2kvs6u) and they had Billy Bush as a member until that fateful audio was released! #OnlyGoodThingFromThe2016Election #FiringBillyBushNotTheGrabbingStuff

Basically, two-well intentioned songwriters attempted to tell a heart-warming story of an everyman moved by compassion to do something selfless for a helpless child on Christmas Eve. This is well and good, but SHOW, don't TELL! Instead, we received was a full-frontal morality play beaten over your head until you're so sick of it you're tempted to break the sixth commandment, especially since they repeat the chorus so many times! They're good intentions paved the road to hell, and now we're all walking on it with special shoes.

I wrote a short story as an alternative to The Christmas Shoes, but when I told my wife the plot synopsis she said it would ruin Christmas for everyone, so I'll save it for next year for the 2 Facebook friends that I still have left after tomorrow.

What You Should Listen to Instead: "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)" (John Denver, 1973) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Li8GrxE1jfg

If you really want to feel bad this Christmas (more so than usual for some of us), why not let it be for domestic abuse instead of a poorly written Jesus Juke. Well, look no further than John Denver (may he rest in peace).

In Case You Are Offended: If you thought my critique of this song was mean, you should hear Patton Oswalt tear it apart: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eZcZPtPoEc (language warning)

And now that you are extremely offended (and perhaps as a good preemptive measure before tomorrow's post) here's a tutorial video on how to unfriend people on Facebook: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMZSCCXd2os

Song #1 (The Worst Christmas Song of All Time...at least for now)

"The Little Drummer Boy/Carol of the Drum" (Katherine Kennicott Davis, 1941). Performed by Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band, 1989.

Well you've all asked for it. Caution! I did not pull any punches with this one. Prepare to be offended.

Why It's The Worst: This song contains every single item of complaint from the previous 24 songs with the exception of references to lady parts. Onomatopoeia, made up words to rhyme with other words, over-repetition, not a Christmas song, stupidity, blatant appeal to emotion to force a point, etc., etc., but even worse, it actively undermines the historicity of the birth of Jesus in 4/4 time. Satan himself couldn't have done better.

Let's start with verse one. Travelers are on their way to see a newborn king and to present gifts to him when they encounter a poor boy who somehow has a drum with him even though he's poor (member? Oh yeah I member!). The assumption is that it is the Magi from the East that are the ones travelling, and that assumption is asserted with ridiculous poetic license in the 1968 Rankin and Bass claymation rendering of the song: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063230/

But this is the least heinous of the heresies this tune commits. 9/10 nativities on display on homes and churches have three Magi present at the stable with baby Jesus lying in the manger, so we'll let it slide that no one is sure the exact number of Magi that visited the Holy Family (one per gift has always been an assumption) or that the Magi probably visited well after Jesus was born (maybe a year or two) but I would still like these issues noted for the record.

The worst offense: the magicalification of baby Jesus, animals, and Mary to the point of legendary ridiculousness.

Have you ever visited a family that just gave birth? If not, let me just assure you that the gifts they'd like to receive are the exact opposite of a little boy and a drum. The entire premise of verses 2-4 are utter fantasy. No newborn baby (even a king baby) would want to hear a kid banging on a drum!! And no mother of a newborn would give permission to such a performance!!!! If you don't believe me, take a snare drum into the maternity ward of your nearest hospital and tell the hospital staff and families that playing on your drum is appropriate because it was a fit enough gift for the Christ child! And then when you're arrested for harassment don't blame me or your local pastor for your stupidity.

Point the second for this second point, oxen and lambden are incapable of keeping time. Just like drum machines, they have no souls. This scenario is more fit for Harry Potter than a biblical narrative. And for the record, it's ox and ASS, not lamb.

And finally, just because the baby smiled at you, that doesn't equate approval or thanks. It could be for a whole myriad of reasons, but most likely it's for gas or a bowel movement, which is exactly the proper response to this song.

Allowing for any of these scenarios into your Christmas story narratives should be punishable by the Spanish Inquisition: https://youtu.be/7WJXHY2OXGE

Worse still is the legacy of crap that has been piled upon the Christmas music canon with countless covers and remakes of this song, all more terrible than the original! Listen to MercyMe's version (actually don't, it's really terrible) or who can forget when they reanimated Bing Crosby's corpse and forced it to sing a duet with David Bowie!!! Every child
MUST be made aware that this exists: https://youtu.be/BHkhIjG0DKc

In conclusion, if you are a Christian, I'm not implying that you're a bad Christian if you like this song, I am informing you that you may as well be an atheist if you like this song* **.

Merry Christmas!!!

What to Listen to Instead: Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey (Ray Allen, Sam Saltzberg, Wandra Merrell, 1960) Performed by Lou Monte: https://youtu.be/hYlvfX3nwlc

The song describes a donkey who helps Santa Claus bring presents ("made in Brooklyn") to children in Italy "because the reindeer cannot climb" Italy's hills, which is more believable than a family with a newborn listening to a poor boy's attempt at the drum solo from Tom Sawyer (we do we do we, we do we do do) surrounded by click track cattle.

In Case You Are Offended: Please refer to yesterday's post on how to unfriend me. Also, feel free to refer to this entire list the next time you get into a political debate with a friend and family member. It's definitive proof that there are people in this country more stupider than the folks who voted differently than you, so congratulations, you've finally attained common ground!! 🎊🎉 Let the healing begin***!

*There are only two versions of this song that I will actually listen to: the posted version, which removes all mentions of biblical names so it's essentially not a Christmas song so it's other/non-religions friendly (which was one of my reasons against it, mind you) and "My Little Drum" by Vince Guaraldi Trio (not to be confused with the "Vice Geraldo Trip" which was suggested by my autocorrect). All other versions are immediately turned off followed by loud flatulence.

**My apologies to any atheists for associating you with this particular song, unless you like it, or course. For the two of you who do like it, watch this to feel offended: https://youtu.be/uyrZZNcnKaA

***Honestly, it's Christmas Day. A day that should be filled with peace on Earth and goodwill towards men. Forget everything I've posted in this entire series. Listen to whatever makes you happy and then spread that happiness to all who you encounter today. In fact, if you promise to be happy and kind to others today, I promise to never make ridiculous list posts ever again! Deal?